When Consequences Don't Work, Part II - Giving Kids a Vision and a Plan

First, what is a vision?  We want to help our children to see that they want to do better, to see that they can do better, and to see how they can do better.  Giving kids a vision helps them see all the good things that can be in front of them, and it motivates them to want to become someone who can do those things.

When we’re thinking of how to help them find a vision, we want to think of what would help them do better and the things that will be better in their life once they work towards that.  

It still sounds a little abstract, I know, but it’s entirely doable once you see it broken down into the following steps:

Identify a Main Problem

For instance, talking back, hitting siblings, and getting in trouble during recess at school could all boil down to a child losing their temper easily. 

We want to find one area that many of the behaviors with which they’re struggling has in common and decide to focus on that.

Choose a Character Trait to Work On

Define Areas of Life that Will Improve

Prepare for Meeting

I had a meeting with one of my daughters recently, and even though I do this with clients all the time, I still typed up a script for my husband and myself beforehand.

Have the Meeting

We want to continue by telling our child that we want him to become better so he can do all the great things that he wants to do.  

We’ll explain that we’ve noticed he has been struggling with some behaviors, but that we have a solution that can help him. 

Then we’ll present a poster with the character trait we’ve told him would help him.  We’ll have a few examples written, and we’ll ask if he can think of other things.  

After we’ve thought about all the things this new characteristic will look like in practice, you’ll explain how you’ll help him get there by taking a break and trying again.

We’ll end the meeting by explaining how excited we are for this positive change he’s about to have.

Know what you’ll do to Reinforce the Behavior

So, how will we instill new habits? By reinforcement and practice.

When your child does exhibit the behavior they’re working on, we’ll say something like, “Nice!  That was very respectful.  You’re getting good at this!”

When they fall into their old, bad habit, we’ll calmly tell them, “Oh, honey.  Remember, we’re working on respect, and that was disrespectful.  Go sit there a moment and cool down, then come back and we’ll try it again.”

Choose a place for your child to sit and let him come back when he’s are ready.  When he comes back, actually do try the same thing again.  I know that can seem silly with older kids, but it's effective.  If you told your son to clean up his coat and he got an attitude, when he comes back say, “All right!  Let’s try this again.  Please hang up your coat.”  If he responds by cleaning up the coat, tell him that was better.  If he doesn’t, have him try cooling down once more and trying it yet again.

It takes time for kids to get better, but practice will get them there.

I've included some resources for you below, including a sample script for a meeting, a blank script for you to make your own, and some posters my clients and I have made!

Here’s an Example Script from a Meeting

Say, You are a great kid.  You have such a kind heart and a great sense of humor.  We love you so much.  

We’ll be talking more about what controlling your temper looks like, and you can probably help me think of more things, but here’s what I have so far:

Present a large piece of paper or a poster.

Controlling your Temper

Ask if she can think of any more.

Talk about the break and how that will work.

Say, In order to help you be the person you want to be, we’re going to have you take a break when you are starting to lose your temper.  The nice thing is, we won’t tell you how long you have to stay.  You can come out whenever you are ready, and you can have another chance to control your temper.

End on an upbeat note

And Here’s a Blank Script for You to Make Your Own

Say, You are a great kid.  You (some great things about them).  We love you so much.  

We’ve noticed sometimes (a few of the behaviors that are causing them problems). 

We want to help you work on (the goal you’ve come up with for them) because (how working on this goal will help solve these problems)

This will also help you (how working on this goal will help them both now and in the future).

We’ll be talking more about what  (the goal) looks like, and you can probably help me think of more things, but here’s what I have so far:

Present a piece of paper or a poster.

(Goal)

(Goal) is  (what it’ll look like for them at this point)

(Goal) is  (what it’ll look like for them at this point)

(Goal) is  (what it’ll look like for them at this point)

Say, In order to help you be the person you want to be, we’re going to have you take a break to cool down when you (don’t do their goal).  The nice thing is, we won’t tell you how long you have to stay.  You can come out whenever you are ready.  And when you come out, you can have another chance to be (their goal).

We’re really excited for you.  We love you so much and we want to see you learn to (the goal) because that’s a really mature thing to learn and you’re going to be so much happier if you learn it.