“Can you help us come up with better consequences? None of our consequences are working.” I am asked some variation of this question quite often by parents, and it makes me feel a little sad every time.
It brings back a memory of a time I was in that same spot myself, and I wish that I’d known how to do better. I was 24 years old and in charge of an uncomfortably hot classroom jammed with of 34 sweaty, smelly 5th graders. We were in an old building in Milwaukee with huge windows that were inadequately shaded by broken vinyl shades. The September sun would beat in all morning long as the temperature in the room climbed until it was over 90 degrees by the afternoon. After recess, and whenever else we needed it, I’d walk around with a spray bottle of cool water and mist everyone’s faces, including my own.
Through the years, the thoughts of that hot classroom have morphed into almost sweet memories, but they’re bitter sweet, because I think of one poor kid in my class, whom I didn’t have the skills to help. Poor Andre would act out, disrupting many of the 33 other students, and I’d give him a consequence. Then he’d act out more, so I’d give him another consequence. Back then I seemed to think that the problem was my consequences weren’t good enough.
What I didn’t know 18 years ago, but I’ve since learned and seen to be true many times over, are the two concepts that could have helped poor Andre:
1. Relationships give consequences their power
2. Kids need a vision
Relationships give consequences their power
If Andre didn’t think I liked him, he had nothing to lose by continuing to challenge me. If he had thought I liked him and felt that I believed in him, he would have been much more likely to try to live up to my high expectations.
Have you ever disappointed someone who you cared a lot about, someone who believes in you? I’d bet you felt really bad. And you probably did your best to make things better.
However, if you’ve you let someone down who you didn’t really like or someone who you could tell didn’t really like you, it’s not nearly that upsetting, right? It’s like they kind of expected the worst from you, anyway, so you just fulfilled those expectations.
When I was 17, I had a wonderful English teacher, Mrs. Wetherall. She required us to write in journals and turn them in. I’d tell her everything in that journal, and she always wrote something kind and encouraging back to me. I adored her for that. I behaved absolutely perfectly in her class, always raising my hand and always doing my very best work. At the same time, I had this crabby old meanie of a bus driver. I knew she didn’t like me, and so I didn’t like her right back. And, I was awful. I don’t even want to put into writing some of the things I pulled on that bus. And, I’d nearly have died if Mrs. Wetherall had found out I’d done any of that. I wanted Mrs. Wetherall to keep thinking best of me. But with my meanie bus driver, I had nothing to lose. She already thought I was a jerk, so I might as well have been one. (And, boy, was I ever!)
So, what does this mean for our own kids?
Work on the relationship
Whereas I don’t think any of us are acting like my meanie bus driver with our kids, I think sometimes the stress of life can damage our relationship with our kids. And, when relationships are damaged, even the best consequences are less likely to bring about positive change. What we want to do to help our kids learn and grow is continue to provide reasonable consequences while working on the relationship. Here are things we can do to work on the relationship:
Avoid sarcasm
Often when I discuss this with parents, they admit they are using sarcasm with their kids. I think it’s a coping mechanism. It helps lighten the mood and makes us laugh a little. The problem is, it’s only fun for us, not for the kids. And this can cause damage to the relationship.
Avoid negativity
I think sometimes we get caught up in negativity. “Why is your room always messy!?” Or worse, “Of course, you left your homework at school. You never take any responsibility for yourself.”
Instead of getting caught up in negativity, let’s tell our kids we know they can do better. “I know you can keep your room better than this. Take some time to clean it up and I’ll come check when you’re done.” Or, “It’s so disappointing that you left your homework at school. You’re so smart and I know you can do better. What do you think you’re going to do about this assignment?”
Neutralize arguing
We’ve talked about this before, but getting pulled into arguments leads to frustration which pulls us away from our kids and our kids away from us.
Spend some quality time
This doesn’t have to be a special day out, although it can be. But, it can be as simple as just putting down our phones and looking our kids in the eyes and having a conversation. It can be sitting down next to them, and, even though we could make a list of everything that they aren’t doing right, saying something sincerely that you appreciate about them.
Make sure they have something left to lose
When I talk with parents who are in the consequence trap like I was with Andre, there are times when there is nothing left for the child to lose. It may be that every one of the toys they like has been taken away, or they’ve lost their phone, their game system, and their computer, or they are grounded for so long there’s no end in sight.
I definitely understand how this can happen when kids continue to act out, but we need to make sure the kids can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If they’ve already lost everything, they have nothing left to lose, so why would they even try to do better?
When we have to give a consequence, let’s remember to use empathy and let’s also try to tell them how they can get that privilege back. Something like, “Oh, honey. This is really sad. I know you love to use your phone to text your friends, but having a phones a big responsibility. And after what happened, I’m not sure you can handle that responsibility. When I see that you’re making better choices by coming home on time, you’ll be ready to try again. Let’s talk about it again on Sunday.”
Next time… Vision
Although working on the relationship and the home environment won’t completely solve the problems, it will stop contributing to them. The next concept, Vision, will help your child desire a change. I’ll share that with you later this week.
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