Empathy helps our kids place the blame where it belongs

Last time we discussed how it’s important to let our kids make smaller mistakes and suffer the consequences of them when they’re young so they can avoid bigger mistakes (with bigger consequences) when they’re older.

But how do we let them experience these consequences, especially when we often have to be the ones to impose them, and still keep a loving relationship?

This question and its answer is what originally drew me to Love and Logic. I knew kids needed to be held accountable for their mistakes, but I didn’t know how to do that without being “the bad guy,” without my kids hating me. Love and Logic solves that problem, and it turns out, it’s not just good for us if we avoid being the bad guy, but it’s good for them.

If our kids can blame us when they get a consequence, then they won’t be able to put the blame where it belongs: on their bad choice. And, if they don’t recognize that the consequence is the result of their bad choice, they won’t learn to make better choices.

Here’s an example scenario:

The other day, Ally left her homework out on the counter instead of putting it in her backpack, and she went to school without her homework. When she got home she was very upset about it.

Had I not learned the skills of Love and Logic, it might have looked like this:

Ally comes home all upset and says, “Mom, I didn’t have my homework today! Mrs. Smith said to the table next to us, ‘It looks like this table is responsible.’ Everyone at my table looked at me, because I was the one who didn’t have my homework, and I was so embarrassed!”

I answer, “You didn’t have your homework because you didn’t put it in your backpack. You left it on the counter again.”

“Mom!” Ally exclaims, “You knew it was on the counter? Why didn’t you tell me!?”

“It’s not my job to put your homework in your backpack! You have to learn to do it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ally says, glaring at me, “ You’re so mean."

“I’m not mean…"

You get the picture of what could have happened. And, had it happened like that, what would Ally be thinking about? Would she be thinking that she should really keep better track of her homework? Or would she just be thinking how mean I am?

And this scenario isn’t even a consequence I gave her. I just let it play out. If kids can blame parents when the parents didn’t even give the consequence, think how much worse it can be when they do.

So how do we prevent it!?

Empathy!

Here’s how the above scenario actually played out, because I’m fortunate enough to know the skills of Love and Logic.

Ally came home all upset and said, “Mom, I didn’t have my homework today! Mrs. Smith said to the table next to us, ‘It looks like this table is responsible.’ Everyone at my table looked at me, because I was the one who didn’t have my homework, and I was so embarrassed!”

“Oh, Ally,” I said, hugging her, “that sounds like a tough part of your day. That would’ve made me feel embarrassed, too.”

After a few minutes, Ally went into the kitchen to look for her homework. She found it and put it into her backpack.

That evening, after her homework was done, she immediately put it into her backpack.

She learned her lesson, because my empathy (and lack of lecture) gave her room to assign the blame where it belonged.

This same strategy can be used when we have to issue consequences, as well. Let’s say your son didn’t didn’t do his chores, and you decide he can’t go to their friend’s house. You say, “That’s it! You can’t go to Sam’s house because you didn’t do your chores.” Your kid will likely be mad. He might go to his room and think about how you’re the worst mom or dad in the world.

What if, instead, you say, “Oh, honey. This is really sad. I know you love to play with Sam, and I love to see you happy, but you didn’t do your chores. You’ll have to stay home and do them instead. I know it’s really disappointing.” Your kid will still be upset. He might have a fit. But, he’ll have a much harder time being angry with you. And, that means he’ll have a much higher chance of placing the blame for not going to Sam’s house on his own bad choice. And, then he’ll have a much higher chance of learning from it and making a better choice next time.

So, if we use empathy when our kids are experiencing consequences, it preserves our relationship and it ups the chances of our kids learning from their mistakes. It’s a win - win!