A couple nights of less than ideal sleep will always throw me off my game. I had a morning like that today. And, of course, the times when we’re off our game is often the times our kids are really… well, “on their games.”
I asked my seven-year-old twins, Luke and Ally to unload the dishwasher before they played basketball this morning before school. Luke’s been trying to get out of his contributions a lot lately, and this morning was a perfect example.
“Oh, Mommy, I can’t,” he replied, “my neck is really stiff.” Since his neck was in perfect condition for basketball, less than a minute earlier, I wasn’t too worried.
“Please unload the dishwasher before you play,” I repeated in a neutral tone.
“But, Mommy! My neck is really stiff.”
Had I been utilizing all my Love and Logic skills, I would have immediately replied, “I love you too much to argue about this,” and let him either unload the dishwasher or let a consequence do the teaching, but, like I said, I was tired.
“Luke, your neck was fine to play basketball. Please unload the dishwasher.”
“Why are you being so mean to me?” he asked in a level 7 whiney voice.
“I’m not being mean. I want you to learn to be the best boy you can be, so you need to help around the house.” Yes, even someone who teaches others, on a nearly daily basis, to “save the words for when things are going well” can forget.
“But my neeeecccckkkk,” he complained, taking the whining to a full level 10.
This snapped me back into remembering my skills.
“Okay,” I replied with forced cheerfulness, “I love you too much to argue about it. We’ll take care of it.” And I headed over to help Ally unload.
“But Mommy. Do you really think I should empty the dishwasher when my neck hurts sooo badly?” he asked.
I didn’t reply, just unloaded the dishwasher with Ally.
Having been through similar scenarios before and knowing it never ended well for him, Luke quickly hopped into action.
The three of us finished in just a couple minutes and I said to Ally, “Ally, thank you so much for helping right away! We got done so quickly that we have time for a game or two of Rubics Battle!”
Luke looked anxious, “Can I play, too?”
“Oh, Buddy,” I said, locking in the empathy, “I really love to play with you, but I think it’s better for you to go lie down and see if you can rest that neck before school.”
He knew too much to claim his neck had miraculously cured itself so he went off to his room while Ally and I played.
So, where did I go wrong in the beginning?
I was thinking too much about what Luke was saying.
First I was thinking about this claim of having a stiff neck. Yes, maybe his neck was uncomfortable, but if he could play basketball he could unload the dishwasher.
The thing is, I didn’t even need to think about that. All I needed to do was register he was trying to argue himself out of something he was supposed to do, and then I should have gone “brain dead,” as Love and Logic teaches. If I were brain dead, I wouldn’t have thought about, much less responded to, his accusation of me being mean, either.
I would have immediately used my one liner, “I love you too much to argue.” Had he done the dishwasher at that point, great, and if he hadn’t, I’d have followed up with a consequence.
This would have saved us the back and forth interactions which can be so frustrating for us adults, but also so detrimental to our relationships with our kids and even detrimental to our kids’ self images. We don’t want our kids to think they’re “bad” kids who frustrate their parents. We want them to feel like they’re good kids who are easy for their kids to raise.
Thankfully I have the skills, so I caught myself before we got too deep into an argument, but you can see how this could have progressed into more of a battle. And, you can see how a pattern like this can get even worse as our kids get older.
Going “brain dead” and responding with a one-liner can save us in situations like this, as well as many other. Turning off our brains can save our sanity, our kids self image, and our relationship with our kids. What a useful skill! … when we remember to use it.
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